Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Niall Horan

Numb. Stiff. Motionless.
You open your mouth and let out a soft breath, but no words come out. Not even a sound. You’ve given up on crying a few minutes ago already, because you just feel empty. Empty and numb. You’re out of tears, but your cheeks still feel wet and clammy when you touch them with your fingers. Your eyes are a bit swollen and you don’t want to open them again.
A few simple words are all he has to say, nothing more. You know he can’t. It’s not that easy, as it might seem to you. You run your hands through your hair and finally rest them on the large couch you’re currently sitting on. A door opens behind you, but you don’t turn around. You won’t. You can’t.
“Leave me alone”, you whisper with a broken voice, staring at the windows. It’s cold and grey outside, which makes it all sad-looking. Raindrops cover the window glass and perfectly match your mood and feelings at the moment. The person who has just entered the room doesn’t say anything, but closes the door behind them. Their footsteps on the wooden floor sound insecure, yet determined and firm. Although the person hasn’t spoken out anything, you definitely know who it is.
“Go away, Niall”, you say with a hiss, but you know this doesn’t sound convincing at all. “You’ve done enough already, leave me alone.” You bite your lip, but don’t cry. Although it’s hard to say and keep yourself from bursting into tears again, you do realize this might be the best thing to say.
“[Your Name].” The way Niall speaks out your name hurts like twenty thousands of knives stabbed into your heart all at once. You immediately stand up and turn around, facing him and pointing at him with your right forefinger, finally turning it to the doorway.
“Get out of this room, now!” You shout, feeling more heartbroken with every second you keep looking into his beautiful angelic eyes. “Do you know how much it hurts if you keep coming back like this? I don’t want your excuses, Niall. You should have thought about it earlier before you…” Niall steps forward, grabbing your wrist, but you wildly shake it away, going on screaming: “Listen. Now leave and don’t you dare to come back here again!” The tears stream down your face as you turn around again with the most awful pain you’ve ever had in your heart. A teardrop falls down your eyelashes when you close your eyes and hear Niall leaving behind you.
If your mind told you this was the best thing to do after what he has done to you, why does it hurt so incredibly much?

“Splattered teardrops on my shirt.”
“And all the lights that light the way are blinding.”
“I can go where life leads me.”
“You can take your time, take my time.”
“You’re just a daydream away.”
“If I don’t say this now, I will surely break, as I’m leaving the one I want to take…”
“Guess there are times when we all need to share a little pain.”

You’ve been receiving these text messages for weeks now. Each Monday, Wednesday and Friday, another song lyric appears in your inbox. It’s almost like a silent compromise: Niall text a meaningful lyric and you don’t respond. You never have. You’re not even sure whether Niall actually knows you read them or not, but it doesn’t keep him from sending any.
Today it’s Saturday and you’ve been walking around the house like a girl gone mad, simply because you haven’t received a text from Niall at all yesterday. It’s a stupid thing to think about: even after this huge fight, there still is a part in you, which wants to forgive him. It’s mad men’s business: probably Niall finally realizes you aren’t actually thinking about these text messages at all and delete them straight away when you receive them.
Who are you even kidding? The complete opposite is happening. Every time you have a break or some spare time, you read through the old texts. It’s always a song lyric that applies to the current situation you’re in, but never from the same son. There’s not even a clue what Niall wants to achieve with it, but you still wait and get worried whenever a text arrives later than it normally does.
You’ve just received one message.
With trembling fingers you touch the screen of your phone and open the message: it doesn’t contain song lyrics this time, it’s a proper text.
Your breath fails when you read the letters, appearing in front of your eyes:
“Don’t forget the Madison Square Garden ticket.”
You slowly shake your head and glance at the cupboard, where the Madison Square Garden front row ticket is safely hidden. You stand up slowly and grab the ticket from the cupboard. Although something in the back of your head starts to shout, you bite your lip. Niall does still want you to go and watch him on his dream night.

With your heart beating loudly in your throat, you try to swallow and focus on the dark stage in front of you. As soon as you sit down on your seat, you already wish you wouldn’t have appeared. It’s an extremely difficult thing to sit here and keep calm when your not-sure-if-still boyfriend will be performing in a few minutes. It’s his night, you realize, but you also know Niall hasn’t sent that last text without a reason. You haven’t seen him in ages and you’re quite sure something is going to happen tonight. You’re not sure what exactly, but it’ll be something special, you just feel it.
After a few more minutes that have gotten you on your nerves, the show starts. You close your eyes and take a deep breath when Niall’s voice sounds through the speakers. You ignore the screaming girls and hear Niall singing. Why, especially this song! You bite your lip and listen:
“You’re so pretty when you cry, when you cry, wasn’t ready to hear you say goodbye…” Niall turns around on stage, his feet pointing in your direction and you just know he sees you when his blue eyes meet yours and he sings the line, meant for only you:
“You’re tearing me apart…” Niall walks away again like nothing has ever happened and you remain silent and numb for the next couple of seconds.
A few more minutes pass and it’s time for Niall to do his speech towards the audience and the fans. Apart from his usual words, there’s something different about the way he speaks.
“There’s also someone in the crowd tonight, I’d like to apologize to…” You widen your eyes and your cheeks turn red. Niall’s eyes stray to yours, there on the front row, and suddenly it feels like it’s only you and him existing in the world.
“[Your Name]”, he softly speaks and that one word sounds so touching, you almost feel the urge to cry. “I’m sorry that I hurt you, because I know I did and I feel horrible about it. I’ve made many mistakes, but I want you to know how much I care about you and that I truly love you.” He walks towards you on the stage and it’s magically silent in the concert hall. It’s like everyone’s keeping their breath, when Niall stretches out his arm and takes your hand, softly whispering into the microphone with sparkling, moist eyes:
“Please, forgive me?”

No comments:

Post a Comment